Thursday, September 13, 2012


Being betrayed by your body is earth-shattering. 

I have heard this sentiment echoed over and over by a multitude of women both in my life and online. We each have expectations for our bodies and, when our bodies don't live up, we are crushed. Be it an inability to breastfeed or an inability to bear life at all, the disappointment can be life-altering.

I write this with a newborn baby seeking sleep on my chest. My second child. She is beautiful. And she is tiny. She is tiny because she was born into this world 7 weeks too early, just like my wonderful 2-year-old son. I am fortunate in that they are both healthy and, thus far, perfect.

My body grew these babies. I nourished them and protected them and prayed over them as they grew, swelling my belly with their life. But, it wasn't enough. They each came into this world too soon because my body would carry them no longer. And, no matter what I willed, the body does what it does.

With my newest gift from God, I had a c-section. As they were stitching me up, my OB asked casually, not really seeking an answer, if I planned to have more children. My response to him was that I was unsure, as I feel that two healthy preemies is more than anyone might hope for. His response? "You may as well be done. You can't carry them to term anyway." As if it was as simple as that. That, at 22, I should just be resigned to the idea that I will never have anymore children.

I have tried not to be consumed by the seeming inevitability of me not carrying anymore of my own children. I have two wonderful, stunning children as it is. How selfish is it of me to want more?

But I cannot help feeling betrayed. I cannot help but have feelings of disappointment in my own body for being unable to deliver the family I had dreamed about.

I fear that my preoccupation with these thoughts and feelings are taking away from the precious 10-week-old I cuddle at this moment. I am afraid that I will spend her entire infancy preoccupied on the infants I may never create.

The best I can do is pray that I may find peace in the perfect family I have now, that my heart will not want for babies that may never be. I must focus on the children I do have and give them all of the love that they deserve.

When I was younger, I always talked about wanted to adopt children. Maybe this has been put in my path for that reason. Like so much in my life, I can only assume that the only one who knows is God. And also like so much in my life, I have to leave it in His hands.

Monday, September 10, 2012

I Need Elves

I am not really sure what to do with myself these days. I graduated nursing school and I am in that gray area between having a bachelor's in nursing and having my license and a job.

Technically, I still work at the family care home where I worked throughout nursing school, but for the first time in the history of the place they are fully staffed. Which means there is no room for me, as a resource staff, to pick up hours. I never thought I would miss that place, but I totally do.

All of these things combined, I have been spending a lot of time at home with my children. Mark and I are also down a car, so not only am I with the children all day, but we are stuck at home with frequency.

I can tell you with absolute certainty that I am NOT stay-at-home-mom material. Do I love my children? Without a doubt. But I have also discovered that I need things like adult conversation, time to use the toilet BY MYSELF, and at least 30 minutes a day without a child climbing on me, crying, or talking at me. Lately, it is like Bug is literally trying to crawl back inside of me. Insanity-inducing.

Every day is like Groundhog Day. I do the same things over and over and somehow, by tomorrow, they all need to be done again. Toys appear out of the toy area and onto my living room floor. Dishes and laundry breed exponentially. Diapers, bottles, repeat. It's like there is a magic mess-making fairy that lives here. It's too bad it isn't the other way. Like, some magic cleaning elves that come and visit in the night or something. That would be much better.

In the meantime, I am certain I have something to clean...