Distraction

Being busy is good.

When I am busy, I don't have to think. I can just flip on autopilot and get through my day.

I get up. I go to class. I do homework. I study. I parent my two-year-old. I run errands. I visit my newborn in the NICU. I go to clinical. I come home, eat dinner, go to bed. And then tomorrow I do it again.

But sometimes, idleness sneaks up on me. And usually I am not even idle, I am just doing something that doesn't require me to use my brain much (like driving or taking a shower), and my thoughts catch up to me all at once.

It's in those moments that I realize I am scared.

I think that a lot of people expect this to be easy for us. If I am honest, we have had considerably less support this time around. Yeah, we have done this already. Yeah, we know roughly what to expect. But, damn if it isn't hard anyway.

If you asked me if I was overwhelmed, I don't know that I would say yes. But if I really think about it, I would say that the reason I am not overwhelmed is because I simply don't have time to be. Good or bad, that is what it is.

Still, I am losing a lot of sleep these days. Not bringing your SECOND baby home with you is just as hard as the first time. Maybe harder even, because you prayed every night and you wished on everything anyone ever considered lucky to wish on that your other babies wouldn't have to go through all the tough things your first baby did. When you realize that it isn't going to work out how you wanted it to, your heart breaks all over again in all the familiar places it broke before. And my heart is breaking in new places to think there may not be babies after this to pray for.

Let me tell you... my heart really, really hurts.

Thank God I am busy.